Being an Indian is just as hard as being any other race. From my perspective, I think it’s harder. Now, I know that people will judge me on my point of view on this because all races have their own struggles, but hey, we exist too right? We have issues too, but no one sees us, no one sees our struggles, and no one knows.

Being an Indian, you’re always (as in always) being pressured about doing well in school, having a good future, and everything just has to be stable.  Being an Indian, you have to be the smart kid in the class. You have to be the topper, the “know it all,” the straight A student. Being an Indian, you have to bring good scores, and not just to your parents, but also to society. Trust me when I say this, being an Indian is hard. If you’re an Indian teenager who was born in the United States, but was brought up with Indian values, you’d understand what’s it like being one of us. It’s not just Indians who face these struggles; it’s every type of desi (a person of Indian, Pakistani, or Bangladeshi birth or descent) who faces these struggles.

We’re always expected to be a certain type of person in the future, always expected to have a certain type of job in the future, always expected to have a certain type of personality in the future. We’re always being judged on how we look versus on how we are; what occupation we should have versus what occupation we want to have; what expectations we have to meet for others versus on what expectations we want to meet for ourselves.

Ask me, I’ve been through it and I still go through it every day. When I started middle school, I felt attacked because whenever I received a grade that wasn’t decent, people always used my race against me. They indirectly said that I’m a disgrace to Indians. I would feel embarrassed and insecure of myself.

During my freshman year, I was sitting in my Spanish class, waiting to get my grade back on a quiz we took. I was anxiously waiting and I kept thinking to myself, God, please let me get a good grade, please, please, please. I was hoping for the best and, when I got my grade back, it was not pretty. I did so horribly on it that I wanted to hide myself. I put the blank side of my paper facing up and my grade facing down on the table. The girl sitting across the room came up to me and took my paper in her hands to see what my grade was. She looked at my paper with awe.

“How did you get that grade?”, she asked.

I shrugged with a disappointed, “Oh well” look on my face. We went back and forth as I wanted to shroud myself with my jacket.

“I thought you were Indian…”

“Okay so…”

“No, it’s just that you guys are smart and always get good grades.”

“And that’s supposed to mean…”

“Never mind, are you gonna do the retake?”

I gave her this uncomfortable look and whispered, “Yeah.”

From that moment on, I knew she was using my race against me, I thought to myself, Well sorry for being a human; I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes. At the time, I was furious, embarrassed, and sad, as all these emotions circulated across my brain.

I told my friend that I would be going in for lunch for a retake to fix my grade, as we exchanged grades. She gave me a familiar funny look as I looked away and showed her what I received.

“Shweta. How? We’re Indians.”

And what’s that supposed to mean? I can’t make mistakes? I’m supposed to be perfect?

“Okay and…,” I responded.

She retorted, “You’re supposed to do well. We’re known as smart people, and we have to let them know that.” Let who know? Why do I need to show people? Why does my grade determine how I am as academically? Why is everything done based on my grades? Why can’t anybody see the effort I put in? I rolled my eyes and left.

On my way to Spanish, my mood was completely ruined. I began to question everything as I desperately sought an answer. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how people determine a person based on their grades.

Mentalities like these need to change. These mentalities could lead teens like me to do harmful actions that aren’t right. They start thinking they aren’t good enough and that they’ve failed their race and other people’s expectations, not theirs. In fact, I still go through it. Every single day, every single minute, every single second of my life, I go through people telling me indirectly that I’m not Indian because of one bad grade.

How are you gonna survive? How will you get a job? How will you be able to support your parents like you imagined you’d do? How are you gonna be good when you’re bringing these grades?

Thoughts, on top of thoughts, on top of thoughts. They all just piled up on me, and I could hear voices whispering inside of me saying words like anxiety and fear.  I started feeling as if I wasn’t good enough.

I was starting to feel that I wasn’t Indian anymore.

My self-confidence went down, and I had to go in for retakes repeatedly. Not just for that class, for other ones too.

Today’s generation, not just Indians, but the entire race of desis, only cares about getting that A, about getting that 4.0 GPA, about doing better than the other “brown kids” in class, about not failing their parents and society. No one now, cares about doing what they want, doing what makes them happy; we only care about making others happy, which is getting good grades, being the smart Indian, being that “one brown kid”. I’m always being asked by people what I want to do after high school. I tell them I want to go to college, medical school, and then become a pediatrician after completing all my studies. And you know what they do when I tell them? They mock me. They make fun of  me. They say I’m the typical Indian.

“Ah, you’re one of those Indians. The doctor ones.”

Um, excuse me?

“Um no…I want to be one because it’s my will.”

“Oh yeah, yeah. I have another Indian friend; she said the same thing.”

“I’m not being pressured…again, it’s my will.”

“I know, it’s just that you’re most likely to be a doctor, engineer, or lawyer, you know.”

Oh really? Well um, did you know that, that Hollywood wanted an Indian to star in their show? Did you know that an Indian female was given a bronze medal for wrestling in the Rio 2016 Olympics? I didn’t know that I don’t get to have my own choice of occupation. Just because majority of my family is in the medical field, doesn’t mean that I have to be in it too.

“Yeah…I know,” I usually end up saying.

My struggles are like Aibleen’s because not everyone saw her as an equal person in society in The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Aibleen is a character who is black in race and a maid by occupation in the book. Just like her, I went through racial struggles in society. Someday I hope to overcome this struggle; I hope that everyone doesn’t see me and other Indians as the “typical brown person.” We’re known as “brown people” because of our color, because we are South Asian.

Most of you all, know what it’s like being stereotyped, right? How would you feel if people were always telling you were meant to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer based on your race and not your skills? When will people stop discriminating against each other? How can we prevent this? The answer is we can’t. Because even though we try, the bitter truth is that what we dream and wish would happen in reality, can’t always happen.

These are my struggles of being an Indian. To those who say that we’re “naturally smart,” no, we work hard to be smart. To those who say that we’re going to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, try again because we aren’t just going to be the typical indian with a typical job. The next time you try dissing me and my race, think again, because I am hardworking, and I am the person who puts in effort.

I am Indian.